{"id":75246,"date":"2019-04-29T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2019-04-29T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.fertilitysmarts.com\/2019\/04\/29\/how-men-can-talk-about-their-needs-during-infertility"},"modified":"2020-02-19T20:54:41","modified_gmt":"2023-11-04T17:48:21","slug":"how-men-can-talk-about-their-needs-during-infertility","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.fertilitysmarts.com\/how-men-can-talk-about-their-needs-during-infertility\/2\/2144","title":{"rendered":"How Men Can Talk About Their Needs During Infertility"},"content":{"rendered":"

The primary focus of care and well-being during times of infertility<\/a> is most often the woman. That makes sense. Even when it’s been discovered that the issue is male factor infertility<\/a>, it’s the woman who will hopefully become pregnant and, hopefully, gives birth.<\/p>\n

Because we regularly view too much in life as binary, the man’s needs are often put on hold during this time. Since she is pregnant, or the focus is for her to get pregnant, the hopeful father is generally in a supporting role—sometimes he even feels pretty lost or as if his needs don’t matter.<\/p>\n

But every caregiver needs some care-given and every supporter needs support.<\/p>\n

As a hopeful father, have you felt yourself getting lost in the sea of taking care of others? Or noted how your irritability, anger, or “turning away” behaviors may stem from resenting that your needs aren’t being considered?<\/p>\n

You’re not alone. And you don’t have to be helpless here. There are steps you can take to get what you need without minimizing or negating what your partner also needs. Doing this can also allow you to be the kind of partner you want to be.<\/p>\n

Your Desire for Support is Not a Sign of Your Weakness<\/h2>\n

Whenever a guy in my practice talks to me about how angry he is about not getting something he wants I ask in my most judgment-free tone: “What’s stopped you from just asking?”<\/p>\n

Almost all of the answers involve unhelpful patriarchal notions of strength, weakness, and vulnerability; and “asking for help” brings up all of these notions.<\/p>\n

Here are a few things that get in our way:<\/p>\n

Guilt<\/strong><\/p>\n

We are good guys who love those that we have chosen as our partners. We know that they are going through hell, that their bodies are being put through the wringer, and that they’ve been socialized since their first doll (that we probably weren’t even allowed to play with) that they were going to be a Mother one day. Women are very often expected to form their identity around becoming a Mom. The "good guy" in us doesn’t want to even appear for a moment to be getting in the way of that.<\/p>\n

Often, we are afraid that if we ask for space for what we’re going through that we’re taking it away from her—and we’re not going to be considered the type of guy that does that! If we start talking about our needs, our fears, our suffering, it isn’t too long before our guilt puts our emotional needs back in second place. And then we don’t get what we need which can lead to resentment and acting out.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Shame<\/strong><\/p>\n

We’ve touched on this above, but it’s so insidious that it bears going a bit deeper. We (men) quickly get caught up in the idea that we shouldn’t need anything emotionally more than what we’re getting. If that’s what we’re given, that’s what a man should make do with. <\/p>\n

Asking for something more? Putting my needs out there? The idea that I may need some help? That strikes deep at our masculine cores. And to do it during a time like this? This stressful, make-it-or-break-it time? This time when the woman we love is going through so much? There’s no room for me to be taking up space with perceived weakness and neediness. I don’t want to expose that to anyone—including not to myself.<\/p>\n

And, in case you’re wondering, one of the worst things you can do with shame is to let it fester inside. Because it’s going to come out. And we’re going to have a lot less say in its expression if we spend our energy squelching it all the time.<\/p>\n

Fear<\/strong><\/p>\n

One of the deadliest moments for all of us is when we are very small and we have a need—comfort, food, sleep, someone to hold us—and it’s not met. I’ve had elderly men talk to me about a memory from when they were toddlers and their cries were not attended to. They were left alone. They learned early on that they could express a need that would not be met. If this happens enough times we simply stop asking for help. Because after we’ve dealt with the shame and guilt of asking for what we need, the only thing that could be worse is being denied that help.<\/p>\n

As kids, our parents are going to let us down—that’s normal—but hopefully, there’s a repairing moment and we hold on to the understanding that usually someone shows up when we need them. We learn to self-sooth and do not need all of our needs met right away. We learn to delay gratification—but that gratification comes. We get fed, burped, changed, and eventually go to sleep.<\/p>\n

If you are wanting to dismiss all of this as “kid stuff”—I don’t blame you. But as adult men, not having those needs met consistently as kids can still affect us. It exposes a lot when we allow others the power to say “no.” And then we have to deal with that. It’s one more reason we don’t ask for the help we desperately want.<\/p>\n

Read: <\/strong>What Men Should Know About Emotions and Infertility<\/strong><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

“I Need You”<\/h2>\n

“I need you,” is not an easy thing to say to someone who’s already going through a lot, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true and it doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be said. Many men are surprised when they discover that the energy they’ve put into hiding a vulnerability from a woman is exactly what she needed to hear.<\/p>\n

Mind you, it’s not a plea that she now stop focusing on herself to take care of you. It’s an acknowledgment that you’re in this with her. It’s a closer move toward compassion (which literally means “to suffer together”) and through an uncertain, painful, angering, fearful time like infertility, it’s sometimes the best you can offer each other.<\/p>\n

She may have all kinds of unstated narratives about how this is affecting you. I’ve heard many women say, “I know he’s struggling, but he won’t say anything about it.” He won’t say it because of all the above and the worry that you won’t hear it. I’ve also heard, “He’s not saying anything and he just doesn’t seem to really care.”<\/p>\n

Read: <\/strong>Hey, Men – It’s Vulnerability, NOT Strength, That Will See You Through Infertility<\/strong><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

So be honest. Use your own words to say:<\/p>\n