miscarriage<\/a> to my twins, who were 7 at the time. I've had to see their faces change and see their tears roll down their cheeks. I’ve had to cry in my closet; I've had to cry in my car. I had to continue to inject myself; I had to have multiple surgeries and tests done. I had to take an absurd number of hormones, and I’ve spent an insane amount of money doing it all.<\/p>\nI've had to pick myself back up and keep trying because that’s just what I had to do to get to where I am today.<\/p>\n
Guilt For Pursuing Treatment<\/h3>\n On top of the loss, I’ve also felt guilt. I felt guilty for the time spent thinking about trying to conceive (TTC) and IVF. I felt guilty taking time away from my twin girls and for wanting another baby. I’ve had fights with my husband over infertility, I’ve changed our travel plans—our life plans!<\/p>\n
And while all of this sounds horrible, I’m still so happy I did it all.<\/p>\n
Moving Forward<\/h2>\n Of course, I spoke (and continue to speak) with my therapist about all this. She always reminds me that I am human. How could I be totally happy for someone who had an easy time conceiving when this is the thing I have been working so hard at for years? She said that it is completely normal and fair to feel this way.<\/p>\n
And honestly, I agree with her.<\/p>\n
I started to let myself feel this way and just be OK with it. Sure, I still feel a little bad being sad when I hear a baby announcement or feel like I am surrounded by pregnant women. But I am in the middle of a hard journey, and it made sense to feel this way.<\/p>\n
I now understand why I feel this envy, this pain in my heart when I hear pregnancy announcements: I went through a lot.<\/p>\n
I’m still scared every single day of miscarrying. I’m scared that I might have to go through IVF again. I’m anxious about something going wrong and having to re-live all the pain. I’m anxious about the possibility of putting my family, my body, and my mind through all of that again.<\/p>\n
I'm trying to live my life one day at a time, but still not fully enjoying this pregnancy.<\/p>\n
\nI now understand now why I feel this envy, this pain in my heart when I hear pregnancy announcements: I went through a lot.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
So yeah, I still feel the same feelings about other people's pregnancies that I did when I wasn’t pregnant yet. Nothing has really changed for me.<\/p>\n
I’m still infertile, and if we ever want to try again, I would have to go through IVF. I can’t just "try and see what happens." I can’t enjoy trying to get pregnant because, for me, that was and never will be in the cards.<\/p>\n
And the unfairness of it all is painful. The unfairness of infertility—why some experience loss and pain and others do not—is hard to accept right along with those pregnancy announcements.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
My husband came home when I was about 10 weeks pregnant and told me that my sister-in-law was pregnant. I smiled because I didn’t want to be rude and said, “Oh yay. Good for them.” That was it. I felt horrible for not being more excited. This is their first, and yes, it was a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":11693,"featured_media":75824,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"topic":[2907],"pp_force_visibility":null,"pp_subpost_visibility":null,"pp_inherited_force_visibility":null,"pp_inherited_subpost_visibility":null,"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n
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